Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Tale of Four Rugs

     The delight of a new house!  Not only is the house new and exciting, but it is a blank canvas on which an interior decorating masterpiece can be painted.  Picking out just the right items to express one's taste in décor is paramount!  The furniture has to accentuate the grandeur of the surroundings, and the walls must be adorned with just the right mix of folksy charm and modern style.  Makes sense right?  Well, not really, and in actuality not at all.  At least not to me.  I'm not exactly what I would call a interior decorating savant, but my wife sure has a distinct style.  It's nice too, and she does a fantastic job, but I was the guy who decorated his room with old movie, football, and beer posters.  I affixed them to the wall with tacks, and left the holes behind to mark my territory.  I found out later that I wasn't supposed to do that, but like I said I am ignorant to this house decorating thing.  My lovely wife has put everything together in our home to make it special and represent our family in a most delightful way.  I know this, because she told me it was true.  So what was one of the final things that my wife needed to finish off the living room area.  Rugs.  Just like the "Dude" said in The Big Lebowski, a rug can really tie a room together.  The act of actually obtaining this rug or rugs is what our story is about.  The floor cloth, carpet, mat, runner, or just rug is the star of the show.  Well, sort of, and without any further delay the magic carpet or shall I say rug ride!

     The store smelled of cinnamon and new plastic.  Garden Gnomes greeted us at the door as if to say, "Welcome to our nightmare."  Just kidding.  It wasn't that bad, and there were many nice items throughout the store.  It was a mecca for the soccer mom and just right for those that want to be one step ahead of everyone else as far as house decoration goes.  We were here for a rug.  Well two rugs.  You see since we moved into the new house we have purchased new furniture and our old rug did not mix with the new furniture, thus we had to buy a new rug.  Plus, the new living room is much larger than the old living room, so the rug or rugs had to be of a larger size.  Size does matter.  At least it does in living rooms and rugs.  The gang was all there, Me, my lovely wife Cheryl, my son and heir to the throne Jesse, and the girl, the myth, the legend Maddie.  We got a buggy and got to it.  Maddie had to ride in the buggy, of course, and Jesse was running interference by staying out front away from all of us.  If I didn't know better I would think he didn't want to be seen with us.  Maybe, embarrassed, as soon to be teenagers will do from time to time.  So, I did what any dad would do in the same situation.  I found a big pink plastic inflatable bunny rabbit that was left over from Easter and was on sale for 75% off, and danced over to Jesse.  I was waltzing with this Easter Bunny and as I approached young Jesse I said, "Would you like to cut in, the bunny dances divinely."  He saw and turned red.  Now to find those pesky rugs.

     We were able to locate the rugs and almost immediately Cheryl found the right sizes and was ready to move on to the checkout.  This made me extremely happy, because we would be leaving soon.  The only problem was the size of the rugs.  They were too big to fit in a buggy.  You see, size does matter, especially in rugs.  I could not locate any better rug transportation in the store so we decided to load them up as best we could on the buggy.  It was kind of like putting two huge logs on a smart car, but you gotta do what you gotta do.  Rugs in place, and it was time to head em up and move em out.

     Cheryl was driving the buggy, I was carrying Maddie (she's a grifter and didn't want to walk...I know,) and Jesse was truly running interference this time.  He was out front checking if everything was clear for the wide load of rugs coming through, and every so often he would raise his hand and motion for us to come on and then he was off like a shot once again.  That boy is fast, and he can cover a lot of ground quickly.  Everything was running smoothly until those evil product placement people struck again.  Why is there candy at the checkout of home goods store?  Capitalism, that's why.  I'm a firm believer in Capitalism and the free market, but why torture us parents so?  Starburst, Skittles, and Snickers all await you at the check out, and this place had an entire aisle of candy at the checkout.  Specialty type candy that costs $50 or something.  I don't mind dropping a dime on a Nestles Crunch every now and then, but my kids do not need any white chocolate truffles.  Me, Cheryl, the kids, their candy, and the rugs made it to the checkout.  However, upon arrival we discovered that the rugs were the wrong ones and much more expensive than the rugs that Cheryl had wanted to purchase.  These were bigger.  Size matters, still.  I was not exactly thrilled with the prospect of heading back into the land of the garden gnomes to find two smaller rugs, but married men have taken an oath.  An oath to do these things that drive us absolutely crazy, and I if I form an allegiance it's forever.  I'm not one to quit on a garment just because it's got a little age, and I'm surely not going to quit on a rug hunt with my beloved either.  Here we go....again.

     I drove the buggy with the rugs on the way back to the floor covering department, and outside of almost taking out an unsuspecting grandma I made it back without incident and in record time.  We ran into three problems while trying to restock and reload in the rug department.  First, there was an onlookers delay.  Several very curious and slow rug shoppers were now in the area, and it was worse than the elderly lady in the produce aisle picking out melons.  Second, we could only find one of the desired rugs at first, and this was vexing.  Third and finally, old iron bladder had to answer the call of nature.  I've said it before and I'll say it again, "I'm a grown man, and I know when I need to make water."  With all this we were still finally able to locate a second rug, and re-attach the rugs to the buggy.  I was driving and we made good time back up to the front.  Maddie attempted to purchase more candy, but I vetoed this move.  The rugs were purchased and that should be the end of the story, right?  Wrong.  We still had to get the rugs in my vehicle and get them home.  These were big rugs.  Size matters when it comes to rugs, I don't know if I've mentioned that before.

     Have you ever tried to stuff two large burritos into small snack size Ziploc bag?  Well, that's what it felt like putting these monstrosities called rugs into the back of my old faithful 2003 Nissan Xterra.  Pushing, Pulling, Hollering, Yelling, and then we finally got Maddie in the car and worked on the rugs.  Ba bump, bump. (Think drumroll for a joke) I digress.  I got rug burns on my head from trying to shove these things in my vehicle.  Hard to do, but not impossible.  Once we finally go them in there we shut the hatchback really quick and hoped for the best.  The car with the kids inside didn't explode so I thought we had accomplished the task.  Only thing was the rugs were blocking not only my rear view mirror, but my gear shift.  The rugs almost pushed me completely out of the drivers seat on the way home when the load shifted.  That would have been one to explain to the State Troopers.  I did my best Cole Trickle from Days of Thunder and drove like a boss all the way home.  An uncomfortable rug burned boss, but a boss nonetheless. 

     The rugs are now home and part of our lives.  I have accepted these rugs as one of us, and that is a good thing.  I think.  They feel good when I walk on them so they can't be all that bad right, but they still have to pass the Texas Death match test.  If this rug could talk man the story it would tell, but maybe some of the details shouldn't be told.  Rugs are important, because if you don't have rugs what are you going to sweep all that stuff under?  Contemplate that for a moment, because after all a red carpet is really just a rug when you come right down to it.