What torture is worse than getting bamboo shoots shoved under your fingernails? No, not water boarding. Not anything medieval or Spanish Inquisition related. I have studied both of those subjects in my time in the hallowed halls of History at UAB. The most horrible torture is....The school pick up line. It's run by a totalitarian regime that is borderline fascist. Well, not really fascist, but I could make a case for it. If you don't do it right, guess what? You're in trouble. Lots of trouble. Especially, if you are of the Male species of human. I don't mind getting a "Bless his heart" from time to time, but the looks you get if you screw up the car pool line could cause permanent damage. Tough crowd to be sure. I am a very conscientious picker upper of my children, but we all make mistakes. I'm not perfect, but I do my best. The school car pool line is a riddle wrapped up in a mystery inside an enigma. True dat. I was able to conquer the first day drop off with ease, but I had a good co-pilot. My wife took the day off and was there for moral support or really to prevent me from punching somebody in the throat. Not that I would do that, unless of course they asked for it. Just kidding! As far as you know.
Kids dropped off. Check. Now what? Well, let me tell you what- a trip to some place called "The Sassy Sofa" or was it "The Audacious Ottoman," can't remember. Not only were we going to go to "The Cocky Couch," but we would also stop off at a Thrift Store and Antique Shop or two. Great day right? Buying somebody else's underwear has never been a pastime that I enjoyed, and looking at old musty items that have a certain patina is not my idea of a good time. But guess what? My dear wife loves this sort of thing, and she did prevent my potential incarceration at both schools this AM so I kind of owed her. We were off.
Fist stop was a Thrift Store. Thrift Stores have a certain smell about them that make me uneasy. Reminds me of the smell at funeral homes and hospitals, but I love my wife so much that I will go to the ends of the earth to make her happy. I looked at the weight benches for a while, and then the books. I ended up looking in the glass cases where the "valuable" stuff is held, and I noticed a guy standing right behind me. Let me paint the scene for you. There is literally no one in this place at such an early hour, except me, my wife, a couple of employees, and this guy standing behind me. I turned around and did my normal "What's up, how's it going?" thing, but he just looked annoyed and breathed hard. I said, "Ok then, nice talking to you," and walked away. He walked up to the glass case and looked at whatever it was that was in there and then walked over toward the men's clothing. Dude really wanted to see that Nintendo 64, like right now. Give me a break. It reminded me of the time that I was garbage can shopping and I knew exactly what garbage can I wanted and where it was, but when I got there a lady was standing in front of it and doing some type of garbage can research that I can't begin to understand. Did I stand directly behind her to force her out? No, of course not. I kept my distance and cursed under my breath like any normal human being would do. Some people.
Next, we went looking for "The Sassy Sofa" with the help my phone. Siri was in rare form on this morning, and was pretty sassy herself. Our GPS, MIA has been disconnected and temporarily lost in the move to the new house. At least that is what I plan on telling the authorities. We never really got along anyway. You can read past posts about the relationship between MIA and I. We had quite a time trying to find this place, and Siri took us to a place called The Prickly Pear or something, and an old antique mall. Cheryl did buy an old 50 pound insulator thing and a metal chicken at the Antique mall so all wasn't lost. It turned out that Siri had the old address of "The Cheeky Chair", and we were able to find this sought after furniture type store place after we fixed her error. Got there, and true to form it was like a sedative to my nervous system. I almost fell asleep standing up, but Cheryl enjoyed it.
Finally, to cap off the afternoon. We had to go back and pick up the children. Yep, more car pool line fun and hijinks for all! We did eat a very nice lunch kid free, and it was fantastic. Unfortunately, there was a table with a young child with Grandma and Grandpa beside us eating also. Young fellow was kind of a rebel and he went all rogue. Felt like home. I leaned over and told the frazzled grandparents, "It won't be long. He'll be starting school too. You're gonna miss these days." They looked at me like I was crazy and continued eating. Off to the car pool line.
Five hours later we picked up both kids. It's a bit rough on the first day. I only got the "you stupid idiot" look twice, and those were from my wife. I call that a success. Maddie had a great first day of Kindergarten, and she raved about the Pizza and the Playground. Jesse was more muted on his day, but I did get the following story: It seems that Jesse and one of his friends were sitting in class and the teacher said, "We're going to go around the room and I want everyone to tell me their name and what they would like to be called. Nicknames and that sort of thing." Jesse turned to his buddy and said, "My name is Jesse Perry, but people call me Neckovich" - which cracked them both up. I didn't get it and am glad he didn't say it to his teacher, because she wouldn't have either. The gist is that Neckovich is so far from Jesse that it's funny - at least to 6th graders. Glad he didn't say Heisenberg. That reminds me, Netflix and Breaking Bad await for tomorrow. That is, if I survive the car pool line again. If I call you, please help me make bail. That's all I got.