Thursday, March 6, 2014

Zombies Among Us

     I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all, all a man can do is smile back."  To be honest, I'm not sure if I actually knew that man or if the quote is from a movie.  Probably a movie.  The point is that some terrible stuff will rear it's ugly head, but how bad it is all depends on how you handle it.  My tribe has been hit with an awful Zombie stomach virus that had to be created by the devil himself.  Any sickness that involves emptying stomach contents in any form or fashion is on my crap list, no pun intended.  I've had my bouts with humorous nausea in the past, but this wasn't humorous at all.  This is not your too many Long Island Teas at El Palacio kind of sick- this is Ninth Circle of hell kind of sick.  I'm trying to smile in the face of this demonic spawn of the flu, but it just ain't that easy.  It's like this bunch of mine got into a bad chocolate fountain at the Golden Corral.  It's up to me to tell their story.  A challenge that I am up for most definitely.

     First it was Jesse that got hit with the bug.  My sole male heir is not the best sick person either.  He doesn't handle sickness well, and it's almost like he turns into a different person.  He won't listen to reason...but come to think of it he doesn't normally have the best listening skills.  Surprisingly, when Maddie was struck with this horrible malady she took it on like a boss!  She wouldn't give the virus from hell the satisfaction of knowing it got to her.  Which fits her personality to a tee.  Cheryl was infected last, and probably she got the worst of it.  At the time of this post, I was still the sole survivor.  Ironically enough we had just watched the movie "Gravity" this past weekend (SPOILER ALERT) and if my luck holds up I'll make it out alive, just like Sandra Bullock.  Come on, you knew she was gonna make it!  Clooney on the other hand was doomed from the start.

     This virus was like a bully and it picked on my poor defenseless family with extreme prejudice, and no quarter was given.  It reminded me of a conversation I had with Jesse the other day concerning bullying in general.  He told me about someone in his school that may have had an issue with bullying, and the teachers were told about the potential incident.  I asked him, "Has anyone bothered you?"  He responded, "No."  Then I said, "You know what to do if someone does try to bully you, right?"  He looked at me with that look of skepticism and irritation that he undoubtedly got from his mother and said, "I know what your going to say."  I said, "That's right.  Punch 'em in the throat.  I guarantee they won't bother you anymore."  Jesse looked at me with disgust and said, "Dad, I avoid violence when handling situations like this."  Which to be honest I was glad to hear that he tried to use reason first, but I responded, "Just give it time brother you'll change your mind on that one."  To be clear I hope he never has to "handle" his business like that, but I'm a realist.  The odds are definitely against it.  My philosophy, "Punch the bully in the throat as, let's say, a wake up call."  As a former Defensive Tactics instructor I know just where to strike, and I have passed this knowledge on to my children, at the displeasure of my wife.  The thing is, if these kids that are bullies aren't getting any raising at home from their parents that's a problem.  Furthermore, if they want to try and bully another child then a throat punch could be called for.  Just my opinion, but I'm kinda off topic, I'll segue by saying:  I only wish I could punch this stupid Zombie virus in the throat and get it out of here. That's the bottom line. True story.

     If there was a good thing that came out of this situation it was the discovery of Netflix.  Yep, good ole' Netflix.  Where else in the world can you watch, Spartacus, Gunsmoke, a biography of Stone Cold Steve Austin, Cinderella, and Sense and Sensibility all in the same place!  Truly a gift from the heavens.  Benjamin Franklin once said, "Beer is proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy."  Well, I quit drinking many moons ago (Straight Edge!), so I changed the beer part to coffee.  Dunkin Donuts coffee to be exact, but now I think Netflix could be substituted also.  Heck, a cup of coffee and Netflix, now that's happiness.  Having nearly unlimited movies and TV shows of all varieties comes in very handy when 3/4 of your family is incapacitated.  We watched all kinds and types of programs, some good some not so good, and some maddening (see any Barbie adventure movies).  Netflix is a good thing, and you can even watch Zombie shows while infected with a Zombie stomach virus.  I've said it before and I'll say it again:  This is the greatest country in the world.  Zombie movies for everyone!!

     They say that all good things come to an end, and the same can be said about bad things.  Jesse was the first to beat the bug and he returned to his life as a 10 year old baseball playing heartbreaker and all-around awesome guy.  Maddie followed by defeating the Zombies and going back to being her cute little self with the attitude of a bare knuckle fighter.  Cheryl too returned to being who she was before, the finest human being I have ever known.  I'm not saying she wasn't that while infected, mind you, but the Zombie plague does strange things to a person.  Yours truly on the other hand was the 1/4 of the family that did not get infected, at least not yet.  I'm back to doing my normal thing sans Zombie virus infected family.  The last time something like this happened I was the last one to get sick, and by that time everyone had returned to normalcy.  I had to endure the most horrid stomach flu I have ever encountered solo, and several times I thought I was going to die.  I didn't.  This time I think I may get out without emptying any stomach contents, and that's a good thing.  I still have to identify rocks as a 42 year old college senior who is about to graduate, and really needs that last Science lab credit.  Rocks are better than Quadrangle Maps by the way, and in fact I had such a hard time with that nonsense I looked at the guy sitting across from me in lab the other day, handed him a ruler (that I was using to measure I don't know what on a map) and said, "Would you please beat me death with this?"  Unfortunately, he refused.  I will abide.  That's all I got.