Monday, March 17, 2014

The 1/2 inch Binder Incident and Last Second Math Jump Shot

     How difficult is it to find a 1/2 inch binder with a clear front cover for a 5th grader?  Undoubtedly, more difficult than one would assume, and we all know what happens when we assume, right?  However, the 1/2 inch binder with the clear front cover was only part of a challenging day of parenting for me, and I decided to detail the entire day.  Well, at least the high points of the day, or would that be low points?  You be the judge.  Welcome to the Jungle....

     It started off with normal morning activities while getting ready for the day ahead.  My wife had to leave early to take care of important Dr. Cheryl things at work, and left me flying solo.  I can be dangerous when left to my own devices.  This has been true from the jump.  The first wild card that I was dealt was syrup in the hair of a 5 year old girl.  Syrup is a pain to get out under normal circumstances, and if you don't really have time for a proper bathing ritual then you have to get creative.  I have become the creative hair guru around here.  I am a ninja master at the art of using hot water and apple flavored hair detangler as a pseudo shampoo method.  However, we were out of apple flavored hair detangler on this morning, and I decided to use an old hair mousse trick I learned back in my 80s mullet days.  I had a fine mullet by the way.  Well, it was going pretty well until I turned around to check on Jesse, and when I turned back around Maddie had used more mousse than originally intended.  A whole lot more mousse than originally intended.  I should expect this from the girl who leaves Blue Bug Juice bottles all over her room after a particularly wild night.  She's like some kind of sugar water drunkard or something.  By the time I was finished in a futile attempt to remedy the situation her hair looked fossilized.  Well, technically it would be lithification.  I'm more acquainted with rocks than I ever have wanted to be previously.  So, I reckon I should know the correct term.  No matter.  We had to move on to the next episode.

     The next episode of note just happened to be a quest for a 1/2 inch binder with a clear front cover that Jesse needed for school.  Undoubtedly, obtaining this folder was of extreme importance, not only for Jesse's teacher but also my wife.  The teachers don't really put a lot of fear in my heart, because I've always been a bit of a non-conformist with a rebellious nature.  However, I have to live with my wife and harmony in the home is important to me.  Plus you can't break the law when you're sleeping with the to speak anyway.  Maybe not the best analogy.  My first stop on my 1/2 inch binder quest was the Dollar store.  I love the Dollar store.  I'm a Dollar store addict, and I go there for just about everything.  The only problem is that I never get out cheap, and the whole Dollar store idea is kind of lost on me.  Regardless, I went there first.  No Dice!  They didn't have this particular binder.  Next stop was Target.  Target is an option when you don't want to deal with all the negative aspects of Sam Walton's mecca of everyday low prices....the dreaded, the horrible, the place where you see things that can't be unseen....Wal Mart!  Unfortunately, on this day Target was of no assistance at all. No binder. No help. I did find some cool Marshmallow Crispy Oreo Cookies, though. I knew that the only option I had left was dancing with the devil. Wal Mart was in my future, and this was of great concern. I don't like Wal Mart. Period.

     Wal Mart is hell on earth.  It is the Joker to my Batman, and because of so many unfortunate incidents in this pit of evil over the years I try and avoid it at all costs.  However, I really needed this 1/2 inch binder for my son's continuing educational advancement.  Just the other day Jesse asked me, "Dad, can I go to and discover what my brain can do?"  Needless to say, he really needs that 1/2 inch binder.  I'll do anything for that boy, and this is only one instance of many.  It was pretty early on a Thursday morning so the fires of hell at Wal Mart hadn't exactly started raging yet.  I ducked and weaved my way through, and went to the school supplies section without being accosted.  However, they did not appear to have this particular folder.  By this point I was getting a little irritated, because I was spending entirely too much time looking for this item.  I approached two ladies working in the school supplies section, and against my better judgment asked for assistance.  It's been my experience that asking for help from Sam Walton's minions, you don't always receive the help you're looking for.  The wonderment of this deal was that these very nice ladies helped me.  They helped me a whole lot.  Not only did they assist me in my plight for this item, but they went to the back to retrieve a 1/2 inch binder with a clear front for me.  I thanked them, and as I was leaving I wondered if this wasn't a sign from above.  Maybe.  Just maybe.  The man upstairs wants me to make peace with Wal Mart.  I kinda felt like Abraham for a moment when he was commanded by the Almighty to do away with his son Isaac.  I did put that whole idea into perspective after a couple of seconds, and I may just give Wal Mart a second chance.  At least until some half crazy wild eyed nut with back boobs rolls up on me in the produce aisle asking the question, "Can you thump my melon?"  I have seen the light!  Well, maybe.

     Things have been really busy around here lately, and while this is not unusual, the business of running the Perry household can be hectic.  The daily grind coupled with my second life as a 42 year old college senior can bring many challenges, some fair and some unfair.  After a day of the student life in addition to my quest for a 1/2 inch binder with a clear cover I finally came home to enjoy a little Gunsmoke or Gilligan's Island on television, but I had to take an online Math quiz.  The quiz was on Quadratic equations and the Zero factor theorem, and I think I'm nauseous.  Yea, I am nauseous.  When I attempted to take this quiz my math tutor Dr. Cheryl was taking a much deserved nap on the couch.  These quizzes are timed by the way.  I realized a few minutes in that I may be in a little trouble.  Not because I don't know what I'm doing, but because sometimes during the learning process it's difficult to determine which of the infinite number of Math rules that have been presented should be used for any particular problem.  I've been in high speed chases, arrested people who were literally trying to kill me, and have pretty much been thrown into all kinds of dangerous situations in my past.  However, this math quiz scared the hell out of me, and I panicked.  I was concerned with time, and I forgot everything, it seemed like.  I began clearing my throat really loudly in hopes that my lovely math tutor would awake from her slumber and bail me out once again.  The longer it took her to realize that I was in math distress the louder the ticks of the clock began to get.  It was like the Tell Tale Heart math style.  Just when I thought all hope was lost my tutor rose.  It was like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, and I knew I had a at least a punchers chance to finish gloriously with the assistance of the smartest person I know.  She checked my work, and corrected some of my stupid math mistakes.  She told me the best method to use in working the problems left on the quiz.  The clock hit 1 minute left, with one problem remaining.  Brains active, pens running across scratch paper feverishly, and all sense gone!  The time finally got down to seconds remaining, and my mouse cursor was hovering above the "submit" button.  Then finally.......Somewhere children are playing, somewhere families are frolicking, and somewhere life is as if it were Heaven-sent.  Could there be joy in the Perry house after math....the answer is yes, because Chris just made a 100 percent!  Thanks Cheryl.  Last second math jump shot saved the day!