Monday, February 17, 2014

Sugar Sparkle Cupcake and Jesse's Girl

     It has been quite a week.  More snow in the deep South has caused major issues, but the issue that has been causing the most distress for yours truly is school not being in session.  When it snows in the South schools let out, when schools let out dad gets stressed, and when dad gets stressed things get really interesting.  My children have more stuff to entertain them than I can ever remember having back in the good old days.  In my day you went outside.  You went down to a local fishing hole or played football in the street or the yard of some unsuspecting neighbor.  However, while my kids will play outside, the words, "Dad, I'm bored" seem to fall from their lips more than they should.  We've got XBoxes, Playstations, Leap-pads, iPads, iPhones, TV's all over the place, games, toys, stuffed animals, Blue Rays, etc, etc.  I should never hear those words, snow or no snow!  Regardless, being cooped up with the children for days on end can cause distress for a father.  Much distress.  I did my best to entertain my children over the Snowcation, but sometimes you can only do so much.  Two noteworthy incidents involved watching the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and a discussion about romance at the dinner table.  Well, at least dear old dad's romantic reputation.

     I've always been a dog person, and it has been my experience that the love that man's best friend shows to human beings is a pretty special thing.  Recently I was an ambulance driver for a dog in our family named Ginger.  Ginger belongs to my Aunt, Uncle, and Brother or probably the whole neighborhood down on the Warrior River.  Fine dog, and a big fan of hot dogs.  Only problem was the hot dog that she took a liking to was on the end of a hook.  She swallowed the whole thing.  So my brother and I became transport for Ginger in her time of need.  I channeled my inner Bobby Allison, and did it driving the same streets that he did in Hueytown, Alabama.  My brother asked me, "You think the police will give us a ticket?"  My response was, "If there ever was a good reason to speed through town I believe this is it.  The dog swallowed a hook.  I think we're good."  My animal lover daughter Maddie has similar feelings.  She loves all animals, the real and the stuffed variety.  Proof is on her bed, and sometimes it is difficult to tell where the bed starts and the stuffed animals stop.  While we were snowed in (technically the snow had not yet arrived, but the city of Birmingham shut down for two days prior) we had an occasion to watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  I always enjoy watching the dogs and the handlers run around and be judged during this event, although I believe an element of difficulty should be added.  Contact, maybe?  Make it legal to take out the legs of a handler.  It would add to the excitement of the event.  My early money was on the Bouvier des Flandres, but the Dandie Dinmont Terrier made a strong move as the competition progressed.  I am partial to the German Shepard dogs however, and Maddie said she wanted one of those little fuzzy dogs.  She had a named picked out and everything.  So soon I suppose we will have to go out and fetch "Sugar Sparkle Cupcake" for Maddie.  The name could be worse I suppose, I had a Yorkie growing up named Chris' Charlie Brown.  AKC registering thing I believe, because my next dog was named Chris' Teddy Bear.  Smokey and Abby were the names of the last canine family that we had in the Perry household, and I suppose Sugar Sparkle Cupcake will fit in just fine.

     While we were snowed in by the "Great Blizzard of 2014," we had quite a bit of together time.  On one particular moment we were all sitting down at the dinner table for a meal.  We try to do this as much as possible, and I believe that is a good thing.  Somehow or another we got on the subject of girls and Jesse.  Jesse has notoriously been anti-girl since Kindergarten, and has never let on that he has become fond of the fairer sex in any way, shape or form.  I have asked him many times over the years if he had any "special" girlfriends in his line of sight, but I always got the answer, "No!  Dad, leave me alone."  On this day we were talking about Valentine's Day, and I asked Jesse, "Do you have a Best Girl?"  I totally expected to get the "leave me alone Dad" response, but I received a pleasant surprise. Jesse actually said, "Yes" to this question.  This was news indeed!  The boy has only had a serious relationship with Baseball and Football in his nearly 11 years, and I for one was kind of fired up to hear about this recent development.  I figured it was a good time to share with Jesse just how to Romance a woman.  He didn't know his daddy used to be a player.  However, when I said, "Jesse, you know if you ever have any questions about how to talk to her or get her attention in a positive way, just ask me.  I used to be pretty good with the ladies."  I sat back in my chair smiling, and then the laughter started.  It came from the left where my dear wife was sitting, it came from the right from my lovely daughter, and it came from straight in front of me and my sole male heir.  What the?  Why are you guys laughing?  Now, I realize that its been a while since I've been out there, and I know the last time I went all player on someone I was buying her a Zima or was it a Matilda Bay wine cooler, can't remember.  Anyway, I had some game, make no mistake about it.  The laughter continues.  Hey man, I used to rock some Z Cavaricci's and some silk shirts, I looked good in parachute pants too!  I was a regular at Senor Frogs.  I used to do the Electric Slide with 50 year old women at Jitterbugs.  Come on man!  Oh well my crew was hating on me, as the young people say.  I brush off haters like dandruff.  Don't hate the player, hate the game!  I never did get a name for this mystery girl, but I bet my wife did.  Women.  I can tell you everything I know about women in two words.  Not.  Much.  That's all I got.