Sunday, December 8, 2013

No Pain no Gain: 15 Painful Moments that defined my life as a parent

     Last night I was playing with my lovely daughter while attempting to dress her in pajamas.  I have found that the honey attracts the flies, and if the ultimate goal is putting the children to bed so I can watch America Unearthed or Ancient Aliens on the History Channel, then I will do what I have to do to get the job done.  I was playfully pulling Maddie off the couch, and at this exact moment my sole male heir, J-Jam the Genius decided to put me in a chin lock and pull me to the floor.  Unfortunately, I was not expecting this and I pulled Maddie down with me.  Her head flung backwards and struck me directly in the cheek bone.  A very painful moment.  I believe my face is warped now, and I have no hair to cover this flaw.  This put me in mind of some of the most painful moments I have experienced as a parent.  This list contains 15 that I haven't yet blocked from my memory.

#1- Stepping on one of those hard plastic alphabet refrigerator magnets.  This is similar to the pain caused by stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night, but worse in my book.  The letter E is particularly painful, and is a Trident from Hades.  It's kinda like being shot in the foot with a .45.

#2- Line Drive to the Shin.  Jesse can knock the mess out of a baseball, and whether it be Batting Practice or Coach Pitch when he was younger.  I have been able to master my inner Matrix-Keanu Reeves, and I have become adept at dodging these horrible baseball projectiles.  However, sometimes they get me.  Get me good too.

#3- Grabbing the business end of a Hedge-clipper will stick with you.  Don't ever do this.  Pain will follow.  That's a fact.

#4- Also, never allow a "hot" iron to touch any exposed skin.  If you do you will end up with a weird "Shark-fin" brand.  The burn pain is a creeper too.  It doesn't get on you all at once.

#5- A Plastic Shovel strike to the abdomen.  Especially, if this plastic shovel is wielded by a wild-eyed 5 year old girl hell bent on destruction.

#6- The Figure 4 Leg Lock as applied by a 10 year old boy.  Camel Clutch is bad too.  I tapped out.

#7- Having your bare feet stepped on by hard rubber cleats.  Baseball or Football variety.  The pain doesn't discriminate.

#8- The muscles that you are apt to pull by the avoidance of any of the following:  baby food or bottles, potato chips, skittles, vomit, children's body fluids of all types, donuts, Little Debbie cakes, balls of all sizes and shapes, shoes, socks, etc. etc.  I could go on, but you get the point.

#9- An unexpected, perfect form, living room tackle, and subsequent fall.

#10- Below the belt shots of any kind.

#11- The "look" I get from the wife when I have obviously done something that she doesn't like.  Pain will follow.  True dat.

#12- The act of dressing a little girl in little girl clothes.  Vexing.  Brings on a cascade of emotions.

#13- The application of sun screen, and then falling on the slippery hard wood floor after said application.  This pain is not lessened by the child laughing at your broken body.

#14- The changing of a diaper before the bodily function is completely finished.  You have to allow the conclusion of the process.  There is really no way around that.  You must stand your ground....No matter what occurs!

#15- The most painful of all is, without a doubt, seeing those sweet blue eyes (both kids have blue eyes) in any kind of pain.  That by far hurts the worst.

     Well, there they are the 15 painful moments that define my life as a parent.  I'm sure I have many more to look forward to: boys creeping around looking for my daughter, watching Jesse get his heart broken by some evil 8th grade hussy, and countless others.  Pain is part of it, and we must adapt, adjust, improvise, and overcome.  Winning is living.  Victory will be ours!