Monday, November 25, 2013

The Epic of Giftamesh

     On Saturday the family and I went to Target.  The reason for this trip to Target was for the kids to sort of get an idea what they wanted for Christmas.  You have to provide a list for Santa Claus, at least that is what I was told.  The old bearded fat man in the red suit needs us parents to supply him with gift ideas, and I totally understand.  Who am I to question good old Saint Nick?  I've got stuff that I want for Christmas too, and I don't want the jolly fat man to get ticked at me.  We had to do the gift search this weekend, because we are about to head to the beach for Thanksgiving.  Fired up about that for sure, but before we can go I have to tie up some loose ends on my Capstone History Project.  Doing research and a subsequent paper and presentation is taxing, but rewarding in the end.  However, I went through quite a few potential topics before one was chosen.  So this edition is dedicated to the Epic journey of the fam in Target on a Saturday, and some of the rejected history Capstone project ideas.  Counting down to some Holiday fun around here, and I've got the Christmas music cranking.  I'm definitely in the mood for some Turducken and Pumpkin Pie.  I LOVE this time of year!  Bells will be ringing......
     So the morning started off well enough with a nice cup of coffee, and a good episode of Bat Masterson on the Western channel.  Then an hour or so spent in my dungeon, where I go to do my bidding.  Pushing, Pulling, and Throwing some iron, as part of my continuing; working every day to dominate philosophy.  All was going pretty dang good, until...right in the middle of "Round and Round" by RATT (on my iPod), while I was turned upside down doing inverted Dumbell Presses, a blonde ghost scared the ever living heck out of me.  Yep, it was Maddie.  Who came out of nowhere, and she looked like one of those ghost babies from a horror show.  Kind of like Gage from Pet Semetary or something.  I screamed and almost dropped two 60 pound dumbbells on my chest.  This would have produced an early exit from this plane of existence, but I was able to keep my composure long enough to stop my demise from occurring so soon. (The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated)  I took off my headphones, and asked Maddie, "What's all the hubbub, bub?"  She told me, "Mama is ready for you to go now."  The "go now" part was a reference to the Target adventure that awaited us.  I quickly finished my last few sets, and went to get ready for the day.  We left in the Prius listening to Big Time Rush early on Saturday morning.  We arrived at Target and I was immediately attracted to all the dollar stuff at the front of the store.  I found some really cool "Airheads," and threw them in the buggy.  We continued on until Cheryl and Maddie decided to shop for shoes.  I can't shop for shoes, especially little girls shoes.  That is almost as bad as shopping for women's clothes, and you have to prop yourself up on one of those metal racks and fight sleep.  It's like a sedative.  So I decided to implement my escape plan.  I took Jesse to "look" for other gifts, although I knew that our destination would be in the electronic isle.  TV's, iPads, headphones, video games, awesome sauce.....it had it all!  Jesse wants one of those new XBOX things, and I want it all!  In fact I believe I said, "I want it all, and I want it now!"  That's my inner 10 year old, but unfortunately my inner 10 year old does not have an "in" with Santa Claus.  My only hope is that Jesse will get some of these wonderful toys and share them with me.  Eventually the girls located us and directed the herd to the little girl toys isle.  Yawn......Little girls toys are not fun.  Jesse made his escape by making something up about, "a video game I want to see."  He's a player, and he plays the game so well.  I followed his lead, and went to "assist" him, but I really went to read magazines.  The magazine isle is a great place to hide.  Not only can you hide effectively from those that seek you out, but you've got stuff to read while you're there.  I decided that I wanted my cake and eat it too, so to speak, and I grabbed up a book on "Embarrassing Family Photo's" and headed to the candy isle.  Now you're talking books and candy.  That's right, I got it going on.  Then the long arm of the law (my wife) pulled one for the ages (or the blog.)  As I was standing in the candy isle with Skittles and reading material in hand I got a phone call.  It's one of those times when you look at your phone and know exactly who it is, but you are unsure whether or not to answer it.  I debated for a moment or two, but then I realized that Jesse could have lost a finger in the video game isle or something, so I answered.  I said "Hello" in a weak soft voice, and then I got the response, "You need to get out of the candy isle and come help me!"  How in the heck did she know where I was?  That's not cool.  She's got like ESP or something.  Some kind of Sixth Mom Sense.  It's really not fair, because I don't have a Sixth Sense, heck I don't have much sense at all.  I left my comfortable home in the candy isle and went to help the others.  Basically, I ended up toting Maddie around Target as she yelled, "Pick me up again Daddy!!"  Such is the life that I have, and am thankful for it!  If you were in Target Saturday and saw a guy with a little girl picked up over his head, a 10 year old boy executing a perfect form tackle on him at the same time, and a pretty lady walking behind all of them shaking her head, then you saw us there!
     I know I have mentioned before that I am a 42 year old college senior that studies History in my spare time from my Uber Dad duties.  This semester, amongst the other classes on my schedule, I had to top off my History curriculum with a Capstone project.  This is an independent study where you perform research present a proposal, write a rough draft and a final paper of said research, and finally perform an oral presentation.  I finally settled on "Ancient Helike: Plato's Inspiration?" as my topic.  The idea being that the disaster at Helike inspired Plato's story of Atlantis that he wrote about in his dialogues Timaeus and Critias, but the really interesting part of all this was the topics that were rejected.  I have compiled a Top Ten List of Rejected History Project Topics, and they are as follows:
#10- Mark Antony coined the term, "Don't Hate the Player hate the game."

#9- I should have kept my Big Mouth Shut- The Patrick Henry Story (He said Give me Liberty of Give me Death, FYI)

#8- Rasputin was really the first person to bring "Sexy Back."

#7- Hitler's mama's got a wooden leg with a kick stand. (Part of a Making Fun of Hitler idea, that didn't pan out, kind of modeled on the Messing with Sasquatch commercials)

#6-  Rick Springfield is really the love child of Dusty and Buffalo.  (Wait for it.....)

#5- Xerxes was really a soft and cuddly guy who liked puppies and daisies.

#4- Aliens didn't build the Pyramids.  It was Bigfoot.

#3- The Krispy Kreme Donut is the greatest thing to ever happen to Western Civilization.

#2- If there were no Ancient Aliens, then how did they build all that stuff.  I'm not saying it was Aliens, but it was Aliens.

#1- I am the Walrus.  OOO KOO KA CHOO!

Well there you go, the Top 10 rejected history project ideas, and thank goodness they were rejected.  I think I made the right choice with the topic that I have.  That's all I got for today, and I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving.  I know my clan will!  To put everyone in the spirit of the Holiday season I have a Maddie original, the "Christmas" song, as recorded by that great director Jesse Christopher Perry.  Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!