The journey of the American father is perilous, and challenging in a way that those who are not a "Patre" (Latin for Father- Learned it in my Roman History class)- cannot understand. To effectively dominate my day to day activities like I should I had to become a superhero. I'm Batman! I wrote about this idea back during the summer, and Batman had to make another appearance yesterday. Maddie had a birthday party to attend, and Jesse was my navigator on this adventure. An adventure it was! Indiana Jones would have been proud, although there were no Nazis or snakes. We would overcome all obstacles that were placed in our way by any means necessary, whether they be fair or unfair. There are no rules here! Just survival, and we have to keep Gotham safe.
My lovely wife, Cheryl, informed me of this birthday party last weekend while I was watching an Alabama game. Mistake #1. I missed half of what she said, well all of it really. While my attention is on a BAMA game don't speak to me, please. I will not comprehend anything you say, but I will nod and say uh-huh, like I got it all. Regardless, after a fantastic Saturday that saw the Morris Blue Devils win a classic against the Hayden Wildcats 8-0, the Alabama Crimson Tide play dominant like they always do, a grade achieved in Environmental Science 109-Lab by yours truly that was an A, and the discovery of some awesome Memphis dry-rub chicken wings....things were going pretty good for this guy. I should have known that it wouldn't stay that way for long. Does it ever?
The day started with me doing what I always do, working out, writing papers, studying, and entertaining the folks around here. That's what I do! Then I was reminded of the journey that awaited me and my two children. A birthday party over the mountain, somewhere. The destination was one that I had never been to, and me and MIA the GPS had a falling out recently, so she was out of commission. Cheryl could not attend the birthday extravaganza, because Grandma and Grandpa are headed our way from the great white North (I always want to sing "North to Alaska" when I say that), and she had to prepare the ole homestead for their arrival. So it was me and the two youths. A familiar setting to be sure. Jesse would be my navigator along with Siri, and the journey began. We got off to a rough start due to the Prius sensing that it was me driving, and not Cheryl, and refusing to operate correctly. After I scolded the car a few times it seem to operate better. Fear maybe. Or maybe I'm just nuts talking to cars, but I am the guy that tweeted the Long Island Medium for a free reading. This also involved an auto-correct mishap that changed Pneumonia into Moon-Dip. What the heck is Moon Dip anyway? I'm getting off track, but we were on our way, regardless of my talking to Toyotas or not. Jesse was doing a fine job navigating! Best job I've seen him do! Eat your heart out MIA!! However, we ran into trouble around HWY 280, and with the combination of horrible Google Map/iPhone directions and idiot Sunday drivers I began to rant a bit. I do that from time to time. I got it honest from my Father, who was an expert in ranting and raving! Right in the middle of my rant, my beautiful daughter Madison Leigh Perry says to me, "Calm Down, Daddy." I took her advice and continued to the destination. Jesse, my navigator, also had a question for me, "Dad, is that something you did in Police work to make people talk?" I told him that I tried not to rant and rave while I was in police work, but sometimes a little crazy helped out a bit. I started to tell him about the time I had to run off those nude sunbathers, but I thought better of it. Shortly after my minor meltdown we actually found our destination. It was a church fall festival, and it appeared to be a lively event. So end of story, right? No, wrong.
There were inflatable jumping deals all over this place, and Maddie loves her some inflatable jumping deals, let me tell you. I, on the other hand, can't stand them. This is the place that "crappy parents" come to leave their "crappy kids." I know what your thinking, "There are no crappy kids!" Well, I beg to differ, there are plenty of them, and I believe they were all in these jumpy things on this day. There were also some pushy volunteers running the above mentioned jumpy things, and we had a disagreement on the entrance point of one of these monstrosities of snot and slobber filled youngsters. I should say that the kids who misbehave and act a fool are doing this, because they don't have anyone telling them that they shouldn't do it. The lack of parenting is an epidemic today, and a lot of parents think it's cute when their kids are acting this way. It's not the kids fault, really...at least most of the time. Little Charles Manson may have been fond of the jumpy things too, who knows? After the inflatables we went inside for face painting (another one of my faves), ring toss, cake walk, etc. It was fun. Maddie had a rainbow and a heart painted on her face, and I got to eat snacks. Pretty good! I took the kids to get some water, and I went to the bathroom. The kids were drinking from the fountain, and I thought the floor seemed sticky. We found out that some unfortunate soul had been overcome with nausea on this very spot. Probably too many cakes from the cake walk combined with those jumpy things. We left that area, pretty quickly, and I ran directly into, what turned out to be a giant Rat. Huge rodent it was! Actually it was a male and female and we had our pictures taken with them. Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in the house, and I insisted on preserving the moment in pictures. It wasn't lost on the lady that I asked to take the picture, that I was the only dad in the place that posed with his children alongside Mickey and Minnie. That's just how I roll. That's why I'm Batman, and you're not. Maddie got to hang out with her friends for a while, one of them maybe a little too closely. Luke, her boy-friend, is very fond of Maddie. I've wrote about him before, and this relationship is cute, but concerning for my future sanity. Well, as all the kids were playing, and I was eating more snacks. One of Maddie's little friends from school came up and hit me on the leg, and said, "Hey, Batman!" This little guy is convinced that I am the caped crusader in the flesh, and treats me as such. I think it all started when I wore a Batman shirt to take Maddie to school one day, and I've been labeled as Batman ever since. The truth is.....I am Batman! Tell all your friends about me!