Sunday, October 27, 2013

Hey! Watch This!

     Well this weekend saw those Morris Blue Devils finish out the regular season 8-0, and gain some momentum heading into the playoffs with a 26-6 win over Cleveland.  That would be Cleveland, Alabama not Cleveland, Ohio, but those Blue Devils could maybe give those Browns a run for their money!  Cleveland was also the site of the quote of the week.  I was asked about the motivational status of those fine young men playing football, and what measures I was going to take to increase said motivation by a concerned parent. (Who also happens to be the mother of our Quarterback and wife of the Offensive Coordinator/Assistant Head Coach-Michelle Peters)  I said, "I fired them up over there in the end zone a minute ago."  She responded, "Fire 'em up again!"  I went on to say, "You know all that hootin' and hollerin' only lasts a minute or two on the field."  The conversation ended with the statement, "I know! and I blame you Chris Perry!"  Wait for it comes, the quote of the week.  It came from Greg Rogers, and immediately after the above conversation he said, "Go and Blog about that!"  This was all in good natured fun, and the quotes were priceless!  Thanks guys for the material!  Also, the mighty Crimson Tide smashed ole Rocky Flop 45-10 this weekend.  Roll Tide!  For this chronicle of the old Uber Dad I'm going to write about two things, #1- Why it's always my fault. and #2- The question, "You used to be a cop didn't you?" and the unusual conversations that follow.  It's almost as bad as what follows the statement, "Hey!  Watch This!" or the even worse, "Hey!  Hold my beer.  Watch this!"  Here we go.
     Why is everything always my fault?  The short answer is, I don't know.  I get blamed for things that are completely not my fault, and can in no way be linked to me.  For example, Global warming, the Government shut down, rain (not even acid rain.....just rain), the fact that they killed off Shane on the Walking Dead a few seasons ago (Now, I liked Shane.  Probably my favorite character.  Dude would do what had to be done.  I respect that, but I digress).  Dad, why don't I have my favorite shorts?  Dad, Why can't you put on the Wizard of Oz right now?  Dad, I'm not happy.  All of these are my fault.  Well, I'll take the blame.  Go ahead and put it squarely on my shoulders.  I'll hold it up like Atlas.  Just recently I had a day of writing papers about Ancient Helike as the inspiration for Plato's story of Atlantis in his dialogues Timaeus and Critias, The Cleansing of the Collective memory in France and Algiers after the War in Algiers, and one on The American Solar Energy Society.  Not to mention research on an upcoming paper on The Punic Wars.  Then I had to pick up Jesse, work out, and it was off to football practice.  Finally,  I came home to a little girl who had thrown dear old dad under the bus.  In fact she not only threw me under, she also backed the bus up over my body, and then ran over me again for good measure.  My sweet Miss Madino told everyone that I was the cause of her constant falls on this evening.  Undoubtedly, she had fallen repeatedly while Jesse and I were at football practice and it appears that I was blamed for each and every one of these falls "In absentia."  When I came home to my castle in lovely Mt. Olive, Alabama, I arrived to a kangaroo court who had already tried and convicted me for Maddie's unexplained falling spells.  Maddie's testimony was read back to me and it said, "It's Daddy's fault."  She said it again, "It's Daddy's fault, because he put me in Slippery Socks."  Well there you go!  It's on me.  No doubt about it.  Hang me now.  Next, they will be burning me in effigy to prevent the "Slippery Socks" from returning.  It's hard work being me.  By the way, I have no control over the weather or politics.  Sometimes I feel Omnipresent or is it Umizoomi, I forget.   No matter!  I didn't do it!  I'm innocent!  Who are you going to believe?  Me? Or your lying eyes?
     I get this question all the time, "Hey, you used be a cop didn't you?"  Then stuff goes haywire.  The fact that I once was a Law Enforcement Officer brings mostly legal questions, which I can normally answer, but sometimes the questions can bring about an issue or two.  Just yesterday I was asked, "Does it really matter that she's only sixteen?"  You bet your "soon to be kicked in the head by her daddy" sweet tail it does.  To heck with the law.  Guns don't kill people.  Daddy's with daughters kill people, and are glad to do it.  That's a fact!  Most people seem to think that cops in general are either mostly crooked or corrupt, or possess amazing powers like a cross between a Ninja and a Fortune Teller.  Well, I'm neither.  Jedi maybe.  Batman definitely (Shhh.  don't tell), but Ninja/Fortune Teller, No.  I probably can't get you out of that ticket (As far as you know), I don't know who shot Kennedy, I haven't "beat" a confession out of a "perp" like Andy Sipcowicz on NYPD Blue, and No I'm not going to help you find someone to "solve" the problem with your neighbor.  All that being said, I really don't mind helping out with information when I can.  However, the next time somebody asks, "You used to be a cop didn't you?"  I'm going to say, "Yes.  Now I'm Black Ops, and I'm trying to raise an army of hostile aliens, but the voices keep telling me to lead a Revolution with the Monkeys.  The band.  Not the animals."  That might work, but then again, maybe they could relate.
     That's all I got for today, but I thought I would leave you with some words of wisdom from my late father, God rest his soul.  Daddy always used to say, "Dammit Boy!"  I can hear him now.  That's it, just "Dammit Boy!"  Usually this statement was proceeded by me being blamed for something, because everything was my fault.  Wait a minute.....There's a pattern here.  Wasn't me.