Thursday, September 26, 2013

A Week in Hades : A Redneck Renaissance Man Adventure

     I am a self-described Redneck Renaissance Man.  I feel that I've reached a balance in life that is finally allowing for some really cool stuff to occur.  I feel like my Chi and Chakra are not at odds like they have been in past years.  My parenting skills are Ward Cleaver-esque with a dash of 80s Bill Cosby for good measure.  Heck, my life couldn't be any better if I was twins.  I suppose it's like the old saying, "Even the sun shines on a dog's rear end some days."  Sooner or later, everyone experiences some good luck.  However, this week has not been shining much sun on this dog's butt.  I've had the "Beast in Me" AKA "The Wildman" show up a couple of times.  Once due to a looming Science test and Map Quiz coupled with an obstinate daughter, and another time due to County Workers getting on my last nerve.  Then to top it all off about mid-week we had the "Maddie Mishap" where we all got to spend the morning at Children's Hospital.  I've spent a week in Hades, and by Zeus it has kicked me in the buttocks!
     The week began with tests, map quizzes, and papers.  Not to mention Homestead Landscaping Duties.  I'm the head landscaper.  Upkeep of the home fires.  I'm the head home fire burner.  Taking care of my offspring.  I'm the head offspring caretaker.  And of course various other Uber Dad things.  I am the Uber Dad after all.  I'm kind of a big deal around here.  I am an intense guy when it comes to preparation.  I prepare for things like my life depends on it.  It's an illness, and OCD doesn't even begin to describe it.  I had an occasion recently to say, "While you were hanging out on some pretty college campus, I was putting rednecks in jail amongst other things.  School of Hard Knocks?  How bout the School of Knock you Out."  My preparation for the most part works, but life will throw some wicked curve balls at ya, and the above quote was the result of one of those knee buckling curve balls.  I went down swinging though.  I've been knocked down plenty of times, but I've always answered the bell for the next round.  The day of my two big tests it seemed like everything that could cause me trouble, did cause me trouble.  Jesse normally leaves me alone when I'm in "Beast Mode," because he's learned from experience that it's in his best interest to do so.  Cheryl even ignores me more than usual when "The Wildman" arrives.  Maddie has yet to grasp this way of thinking so she spent the morning messing with dear old dad with extreme prejudice.  No quarter was given by  Miss Maddie.  We had issues with books, clothes, television, Little Debbie Cakes, Milk, Jesse the Phantom Menace (Phantom Menace, because I don't think he was bothering her at all, but that didn't stop her from reporting the alleged incident to the proper authorities), and to top it all off the "Writing Your name in the Book" incident.  Cheryl does not like for me to write Maddie's name in her books for school.  This is due to the fact that I use a Black Sharpie and write MADDIE on the inside cover of the book.  Cheryl does this same action with tape, and writes her name on said tape, not the book.  This is because she believes we're going to get rich selling Maddie's books at some consignment sale.  I've never quite been able to master the name-tape thing, and to be honest it's never been at the top of my list.  Just between you and me, don't tell the wife.  I got 99 problems, but a Book ain't one.....I gotta little hip-hop knowledge.  On this morning we were behind schedule, and Maddie the star reader wanted her name on books.  She would not take no for an answer, so against my better judgment I grabbed the old Sharpie and did my thing.  I was later quoted by Jesse as saying, "Well, Maddie I hope you're satisfied.  Now your Mama is gonna divorce me.  You may even have to bail her out of jail, cause she's gonna kill me."  Believe it or not, it got worse from there, but due to time constraints I'm gonna move on.....
     The County Worker issue cuts deep like a knife with me.  Lovely and broke Jefferson County, Alabama has found enough money to lay some kind of lines all up and down Mt. Olive Road.  Someone told me that it was gas lines, but I really don't care what kind of lines they are.  They block traffic at horrible times as if they have been removed of all common sense.  They always seem to be parked in my front yard.  You see, I've got a fire hydrant in my front yard, and they undoubtedly need the water.  Out of all the fire hydrants in all of Mt. Olive they gotta come walking into mine.  I've had to raise a little ruckus 'round here.  I've found peanut hulls left around the curtilage of my home, and coke cans and other garbage just laying around.   I stood out in the driveway the other morning and just watched those guys.  I know they already think I'm nuts, because they had my driveway blocked the other day and I made my displeasure pretty clear.   I could only imagine their conversation, "Uh, Oh...There goes that crazy/wild-eyed bald guy again.....let's throw some peanuts in his yard."  This continued animosity came to a head again the other morning when the goof-balls (again using my fire hydrant) watered up the roads with their dirty messy county nastiness, and then had the audacity to stop at my stop sign and block the road.  I was running behind getting Jesse to school, and these guys had me blocked in.  Well, I laid on the horn and came around the drivers side of the big truck hooting and hollering and waving my arms at this dunce of a driver.  They gave me the, "This guy's crazy" look, but I didn't have time to spend with these wastes of oxygen.  You just don't want to fool with an unhinged Uber Dad!!  That's a fact.
     Now, we're to the Maddie Mishap.  Maddie was playing at school on Wednesday, and somehow or another she busted her eye wide open.  The altercation involved a young boy that is friends with Maddie, but I'm not really clear on what actually happened.  Something about "playing kitty" and a's a mystery.  Columbo probably couldn't solve it.  Cheryl immediately entered scared mom mode, and I attempted to calm her down as I talked to her on the phone while we were both en route.  I normally handle the big stressful events very well, because of past experiences...but it's the little incidents that really don't matter that set me off- i.e. County workers and Maddie's books.  Due to my calm demeanor and steely nerves under pressure, I was elected to drive Maddie and her mother to Children's hospital.  The emergency room of Children's Hospital is not located where it should be, let me say that up front.  I drove all the way around this hospital and I swear I didn't see any "Emergency" signs anywhere.  All this while my wife is dogging my driving by saying, "I know how my mom felt when you drove me to Brookwood when Jesse was born."  Finally, I pulled the old Xterra up to the front of the hospital, and walked my happy butt right inside and walked up to the information guy and said, "Hey Partner, where in the hell is the emergency room.  I got a bleeding baby in the car."  They guy answered me with a heavy lisp, "It's two blocks down that way."  I responded, "Well, that makes sense.  It's two blocks away from here.  I should have thought of that myself."  I left the Lisp guy, and headed two blocks to the emergency room.  They valet park you there for free by the way.  At least, I think it was free.  I didn't pay, so it was free for us.  Maddie met the doctor, and he glued her eye wound really nice like.  No stitches, but it probably could have used a couple.  The glue has worked well so far.  During this lovely excursion to the hospital I received an email from Maddie's school with the Subject line, "Disaster Preparedness."  I reckon they figured the "Wildman" was coming.