Sunday, August 18, 2013

Wounded at Best Buy, Choke slam Chuck E Cheese, and Mia the Drunk GPS

     The past few days have been full of activities for the family.  We've been an extremely busy clan of late, and while I love being busy and doing stuff sometimes you miss the subtle beauty and comical genius of life when you go so fast.  I've picked out three different adventures from this past week to write about, and they are:  Wounded in the Best Buy, Mia the drunk GPS, and Choke slam Chuck E Cheese.  What follows is a true and accurate description of the events as I know them to have occurred.
     The first event worthy of mention here occurred at Best Buy.  Let me say I love Best Buy.  I love the smell of the place.  I love electronics.  I love TVs.  I love Computers.  You get the point.  Well, I was in the market for a new lap top and I decided to check out several Best Buy locations around the metro Birmingham area, cause that's how I roll.  Cheryl, Maddie, Jesse, Nana, and Paislee (Who would be Nana's other grand-daughter from her husband's side or Cousin in Law?), anyway I spent several days shopping for a laptop.  My wife, Cheryl did a lot of research on this new laptop, cause that's how she rolls.  She's kind of like a human version of Consumer Reports, and if you're going to make a new purchase; you're gonna make the right one.  Well, on one of these trips to Best Buy, Jesse was pushing Maddie and Paislee around on a buggy in the store.  The Best Buy buggies have a very small basket area thing, and then a long undercarriage for placing large boxes I guess.  They're different than your average buggy, and the two girls wanted to ride on the lower part.  Jesse was quite the trooper, and he pushed these girls around the store for a very long time.  They were riding in style let me tell you, it was kind of like a cross between a magic carpet ride, and a parade float.  Jesse was so into his task that he ran over his leg, and caused an injury to his shin area.  He was down.  He was wounded in the Best Buy.  While this tragedy occurred I was staring longingly at the Apple section of the store (I still have drool marks on my shirt, I love Apple stuff.) I was forced to stop fantasizing about Steve Jobs' greatest creations, and I had to save Jesse from impending doom.  I picked him off the floor as the girls were saying, "More, Jesse!  More, Jesse!"  I started to tell him, "Rub some dirt on it, you'll be all right", but I say that often and recently at football practice Jesse busted his leg open, and he actually rubbed dirt on it (Much to the dismay of his mother.)  My main man Jesse got up and brushed himself off, and continued to give these young girls a wonderful buggy ride.  That's just how J-Jam rolls, and I love him for it.  I did actually end up purchasing a computer, but not a Mac (frowny face.)  I got a fine Toshiba product, that I am using right now.  New computer smell too.
      Maddie has a behavioral system where she has to color in letters of something she wants to do, and she only gets to do so from performing good behavior.  The idea is that she only gets to go to the fun places she wants to visit if she earns the privilege of doing so.  The system works pretty well most times, but the last desired location for Maddie was the dreaded Chuck E Cheese.  Chuck E Cheese belongs in a special place along side of Wal- Mart in my 9 circles of Hell.  This is where Maddie wanted to go, and she had earned the right to do so.  Like a good soldier I decided to "Drive On" and do what needed to be done.  We arrived at Chuck E Cheese, and I immediately noticed that a Day Care facility of some type had buses parked out front.  If you don't travel to these kind of places often, that is a really bad sign.  We had reached the point of no return however, and it was now or never.  We received our invisible stamp, and it was off to the races.  Video games, lousy Pizza, and that damned rat.  Sorry for the bad language, but I don't like the rat.  I don't like his songs, I don't like his look, and I really don't like his voice.  Is it bad that I have a strong desire to walk up and choke slam the rat?  Maybe that's just my issue, but on this day when Chuck E made his first appearance I almost followed through on that desire.  My better Angels prevailed, however.  We rocked on for a while, and even though it really tests my patience I'm glad the kids like it.  It's unfortunate that some children don't have manners or supervision of any kind while they're in this place.  I would be absolutely mortified if one of my kids were as obnoxious, pushy, and down right mean as some of the kids that are possessed by Chuck E Cheese and his demon arcade.  That's where we're at these days though, find a place to let your kids run wild and look at your phone for two hours an don't pay any attention to what they're doing.  We were able to survive the first onslaught of the Chuck, but then came the all important ticket cashing in phase.  This is a conspiracy here.  You spend nearly a hundred bucks to get 50 cents worth of crap prizes.  It is the most painful part of the whole ordeal, but I persevered.  We survived the Rat and his minions.  I'm sure it won't be the last time I see his rodent face.
     Finally, a little story about our new GPS.  The new GPS is named Mia.  I like to think it's called Mia, as an abbreviation for "Missing in Action," but it is actually named after Mia the Pink Power Ranger.  That was Maddie's idea.  In a former life the GPS was named Flo, and she served Grandma and Grandpa very well in the Great State of Wisconsin (Thanks Guys!)   On Saturday morning Jesse and I had to go to a Football weigh in, and I wasn't exactly sure where the place was so we hooked up Mia.  Cheryl hooked up Mia to be exact.  Mia sounds a lot like Siri on my iPhone, and I wonder if they're not related somehow.  I asked Mia about that, but she doesn't converse with me like Siri does.  Same attitude, but no interaction.  I guess she doesn't mingle with the help.  On our journey Mia sounded like she had a few too many Martinis, and I wondered if she didn't have a drinking problem.  Her words were slurred a bit at first, but I think it may have been a connection problem or operator error.  Mia got us to the general location, but I took a wrong turn.  Then she got kind of huffy and abrupt with me.  She seemed to switch to a French accent and said, "Turn here now, Idiot."  She didn't really say "idiot," but I heard that anyway.  I did learn that even if you screw up the GPS will still find you a new route.  She led us to the promised land of Oneonta Rec. Center in Oneonta, Alabama and I thank her for her service to the cause.  Mia, I salute you.  I only wish you were more of a conversationalist.  Siri you're not.
     Well, that just about does it for this edition.  Football is in full swing, and everyone is having a blast.  School starts back tomorrow, and nobody is too thrilled about that one.  Soon I will be walking down the streets of History, and Environmental and Physical Science too at the University of Alabama Birmingham.  I'm a Blazer and proud of it!!  Still a BAMA fan for life, but I love me some UAB.  This has been a fair and balanced retelling of the events of the past few days, and our reporting here at the home office in Mount Olive, Alabama, as always, is true and actually did occur.  I have been known to take some poetic license at times and have been accused of stretching the truth, but truth is stranger than fiction.  This life of ours is definitely the "Truth" and it sure ain't fiction.