Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Wildman of Hamburger Heaven

     Sometimes an event or a single story can take on a life of its own.  This happened recently to Jesse and I in an event that occurred at Hamburger Heaven.  I was going to add a few other stories similar to this one, but I believe the Wildman of Hamburger Heaven should stand alone.  This will not be near as entertaining as the scratch n sniff episode of "Honey Boo Boo," but I do the best I can.
     The journey starts with a phone call.  A phone call from my wife, Cheryl, telling me that she would like to go to Sam's over her lunch hour and she wants Jesse and I to come pick her up.  Jesse and I had not yet eaten lunch, and I'm no Bobby Flay so Hamburger Heaven was chosen as a stop over point for lunch.  Hamburger Heaven is a wonderful place that serves some of the best hamburgers in the great state of Alabama, and the corn balls are something to behold indeed.  I have shared my love of all things Hamburger with my son, and it was actually him who suggested our trip to the Hamburger Mecca of Central Alabama.  Upon arrival at around 11:30 in the AM the place was already rockin' with business, as always is the case at the Gardendale location around lunch time.  We chose the Drive-thru, even though the Drive-thru is my mortal enemy and I have waged many wars in its clutches.  This go round with the Drive thru started out innocently enough, and I even told Jesse stories of my youth and how this place was once a Burger King and all the young people of North Jefferson County would congregate here every Friday and Saturday night.  This particular Drive-thru has a unique design, and it prevents escape.  Two concrete curbs on each side lock the victim into place, and unless you have a all-terrain truck with a lift kit or have an adventurous sense of cannot escape.  You are stuck right here until the transaction is done, and I have to give it to the architect of this vehicle for quick fast food..."There is no changing of the mind..You're in it for the long haul."  We finally were able to order our food after the two guys in front of us ordered the whole darn store it seemed like, and I got my usual, Holy Cow combo and corn balls and Jesse got a bacon double cheeseburger and corn balls.  We like the corn balls, I'm telling you.  All went surprisingly well, until we reached the drive thru window.  I paid for our $30 lunch (whatever happened to the 25 cent hamburger stand), and then the fun began.  The nice lady in the drive through handed me our food and drinks.  I set the food by Jesse and attempted to put the drinks in the cup-holders of my trusty Xterra.  At this exact moment, a rogue straw punctured the Sprite Jesse had ordered, and a river of sugary beverage began to flow into my vehicle.  My front console began to fill up with this stuff, and my dear iPhone was in the path of destruction.  Now, if you know me then you know that I dearly love my iPhone, and I will not tolerate it being messed with.  Well, I panicked and began to scream unintelligible gibberish at this inanimate object.  Jesse, the quick thinker on this day, grabbed my phone away from the never ending flow of lemon/lime soda.  I attacked the cup, pulling it up from it's location, like a snake wrangler grabbing a snake.  I turned to look at the bewildered drive thru employees, and grunted a bit.  Then I floored my old Xterra, who I will call "Trigger" from this day forward.  During my hasty exit, I realized that I had to get rid of the cup, that was still leaking Sprite on me and the vehicle, and at this moment I screamed what was probably a profanity of some sort and hurled the demon beverage out of my vehicle.  The cup skidded across the drive thru path, and made a horrendous sound upon impact.  I can only imagine what the poor Hamburger Heaven personnel thought was happening here, and the people behind me may have been second guessing their decision to eat there.  Well, we finally escaped and I drove around the back of the CVS in the adjoining parking lot to gather my self.  I then realized that I may never be able to return to my beloved Hamburger Heaven, and they probably have posters up saying, "Don't serve this man, call police immediately, Wildman of Hamburger Heaven."  A day in my life.  Sam's went good though.
     My life, its seems is never really boring.  There is always stuff happening around here, and there's never a dull moment.  Someone asked me the other day, "How do you come up with all this stuff, that you write about?"  I can answer that question with one word, "Life."  Yep, life happens and the hijinks ensue.  Tune in next time, and I will tell the story of my brother Frankie the ostrich hunter.  I could have titled that one, "The Wildman of Graysville with an Ostrich too."  Just to be clear, there really wasn't an ostrich, it was one of those emu things.  There were adult beverages involved too, I believe.  Another time.