Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Unexplained or the Perry-normal

     Sometimes there are events that defy logic, and cannot be explained.  Whether it is ghosts, aliens, bigfoot or other cryptids, the Loch Ness monster, or any number of odd things.  Paranormal events or subject matter have entered the lives of the Perry's from time to time.  My wife refers to these events as Perry-normal.  Sounds good to me.  It could be Jesse's fascination with Ghostes (I didn't spell that wrong, that's how he said it a few years ago) or his complete phobia of bigfoot.  It could be Maddie's monster loving self, and the constant requests for "Scary monster stories with a Scary-Mean monster!"  My personal paranormal experiences peaked with a shape-shifting drunkard, and witnessing "Hell in a Cell" when I was in Law Enforcement.  Cheryl comes from Wisconsin and as we will see, it has it's fair share of odd creatures and legends.  Sit back and relax, but don't get too relaxed, because these are all true events and may not be suitable for those who have heart problems or scare easily.  You wanna see something really scary?
     My son Jesse developed an extreme fear of Bigfoot as a younger fellow.  Some Native American tribes refer to these creatures as Sasquatch, and some call them Skunk Ape, big Hairy Man, Yeti, the list goes on.  I had occasion to watch the classic television series "In Search of Of" with Leonard Nimoy while it was in syndication on one of the cable networks, and Jesse watched the episode about good ole Bigfoot with me.  He became convinced that Bigfoot was going to get him one day, and I had the task of trying to tell him this was not going to happen.  I know that everybody knows that there is a big hairy man beast roaming the forests of North America, but I had to make Jesse believe there wasn't.  No more Monster Quest for young Jesse, and their Bigfoot stuff is outstanding by the way.  Once we dodged the bullet with the Sasquatch deal we had to deal with Ghostes.  Jesse loved Ghostes, and even pretended to be one after every bath.  He would put the towel over his head and go, "BOOOOO!!" through the whole house.  He dressed up like Ghostes and had glowing Ghostes all over his room.  Well, eventually the fascination just stopped.  Don't know why, but it did.  I believe the change happened around the time he received his first Football, but that may be my rose-colored glasses.  Recently, Jesse has really enjoyed watching Ghost Adventures on the travel channel so this Ghostes cycle may be starting all over again.  He says, "Ghosts" now, however.  The "Ghostes" is extinct, and I am sad because of it.
     My dear Miss Madison has a complete love of Monsters, especially the really scary kind.  She demands that a "Scary Monster Story with a Scary-Mean Monster" be told every night before bed.  The most recent monster story told by yours truly was the terrifying tale of, "The Cotton Candy Monster."  The story has four main characters, and they are as follows:  Cheryl, Jesse, Maddie, and Best in the World.  The premise is simple, all four of our characters go to the local fair in town.  Maddie wants some Cotton Candy, and Best in the World buys it for her.  She notices that the confection tastes funny, and asks to throw it away.  Before it hits the garbage can the cotton candy turns into a vicious/horrifying, man and woman eating monster.  The Cotton Candy monster eats Jesse first (Makes sense to me), Cheryl comes next, Best in the World puts up an amazing fight but also gets eaten, and that leaves poor Maddie to fend for herself against the horrible Cotton Candy monster.  Maddie tries to run, but the monster gets her and puts her in his mouth....but, he realizes that this little girl tastes horrible.  The monster then proceeds to throw up, Jesse, Cheryl, and Best in the World.  Maddie has saved the day!  She turns to the Cotton Candy Monster and says, "Cotton Candy Monster don't you ever come back again, I done told you once you mean monster, I'm the Best that's ever been!"  The End.
     My wife Cheryl comes from the land of Cheese, and also some weird monsters.  Wisconsin is the land of the Hodag and has had it's fair share of Bigfoot sightings.  They also have a Mothman, but we'll come back to that in a moment.  The Hodag, the best I can tell, is a frog/elephant mix with a spear tail and huge claws on the end of short legs.  I found a picture of one of them online, and it was supposedly caught somewhere in Wisconsin but as is the case with most of these kind of things, the carcass disappeared....OOOOOOHHHH!!  The Hodag Lives!!  I've seen quite a few folks in Wisconsin that looked like they should be studied by a cryptozoologist, but you could probably say that about Alabama too.  I ran into a cryptid in the Men's restroom at a rest stop during my first ever trip to Wisconsin, and I believe the creature felt threatened by my presence.  He charged me, but then left quickly.  Odd occurrence to say the least.  To top all this stuff off, My wife (Cheryl) went to school and received her undergraduate and Master's degree at The University of Wisconsin in La Crosse.  You know I mentioned the Mothman earlier?  You wanna know where he lives?  He lives in La Crosse, Wisconsin and some folks swear by his existence.  Coincidence?  I think not.
     Finally I would like to briefly discuss my own first hand experiences with the Paranormal.  I don't just tell anybody this stuff, but I've seen things that would make your hair stand up on its end.  When I was a Law Enforcement Officer there was this old drunk that was constantly getting arrested and serving as the jail "Trusty."  He was an affable fellow, and I truly liked the guy but he had a problem with the bottle as some folks do from time to time.  I will not use his real name, but I will refer to him as Otis (fitting pseudonym I think).  Otis, I came to find out, was a shape-shifter.  I used to play jokes on Otis by sneaking up on him and screaming his name really loud.  Scared him pretty good, but he always took it really well.  On one occasion I was driving a police vehicle and I rounded the corner of City Hall and I saw Otis standing with his back turned.  He didn't know I was coming and I hit the siren right behind him.  This is when it happened.  Otis changed from his normal self to something else, and it wasn't pretty.  It was kind of like what I saw at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark", when all the bad Nazi guys opened the Ark of the Covenant.  I felt like Harrison Ford saying, "Don't Look, Marion!"  It was not a pretty sight, but as soon as he shape-shifted...he went back to normal.  I left Otis alone after that, and didn't play any jokes on him anymore.  I didn't want to see him shape-shift again or worse!  I also witnessed an even that I like to refer to as "Hell in the Cell."  The Cells had speakers in them, and on one occasion they became a vessel of the Paranormal.  We had arrested a guy that was highly intoxicated, but wanted to put up a fight like he was Mike Tyson or something.  He gave us fits trying to get him in the cell.  Shortly after arrival he passed out, but not for long.  The Devil talked to this derelict that night, through the speaker.  The story was told to me that the speaker told him to get up, and he did.  Told him to turn around, and he did.  Then the lights went out.  This guy was sure enough praying for his very soul that evening. He swore up and down that the voice was that of Satan himself. Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that we set all that up to scare this poor innocent criminal who had just literally tried to kill us.  Well, all I know is, the guy got out of jail, got sober, and starting going to church.  True story.  If you ask me today, next week, or thirty years from now, all I can say is, "The Devil got to that Derelict that night."
     In summary all I have to say is, "I'm not saying that this was the Perry-normal, but it was the Perry-normal."  The End.  But be sure to watch out for Bigfoot, Ghostes, The Cotton Candy Monster, The Hodag and Mothman (if you're in Wisconsin), Otis the Shape-Shifter, and Hell in the Cell.  If this was a recording I would laugh like Vincent Price now, but I'm typing so, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" or something like that.  Be careful out there.