Sunday, June 9, 2013

The Diabolical Dr. Up, Back Country Road Nausea, and She Eats Ice Cream with a Fork

     This edition of the "Uber Dad Chronicles" is a grab bag of sorts.  These events happened in the recent past and warrant a further story telling examination.  An old buddy of mine used to refer to a pack of Marlboro 25s (25 cigarettes instead of 20) as a "Brady Pack", and this is sort of a Brady Pack of humorous events.  So without any further delay, I would like to introduce you to the "Diabolical Dr. Up," talk about an incident of Back Country Road Nausea, and analyze why it is She eats Ice Cream with a Fork.  
     The first story I want to cover involves the dynamic duo of "Macho Man" and "Too Fast-Too Furious" in their constant battle against evil and their arch nemesis the "Diabolical Dr. Up."  OK, these are made up characters- Macho Man is portrayed by, me of course, Too Fast-Too Furious would be ole quick first step himself, the boy with the magic legs- Jesse Perry.  The Diabolical Dr. Up is played by Maddie.  This is because, when these characters were originally invented Maddie only said a few words, and "Up" was by far her favorite.  Maddie played the evil genius, because she didn't say a whole lot, she had a blood-curdling scream, and she played an awesome strong-silent type.  These adventures normally took place on Saturday Nights, and they were full of action, suspense, and just plain awesomeness.  We had the original, "Macho Man & Too Fast-Too Furious vs. The Diabolical Dr. Up", The sequel, "The Revenge of the Diabolical Dr. Up", and that turned into a trilogy with "The Last Stand of the Diabolical Dr. Up."  Well, it wasn't really the actual last stand of the Diabolical Dr. Up, and she always seemed to escape in the end, because our heroes let her live just a little too long.  Today, Macho Man has moved on to other ventures and prefers to be called Xerxes the Better, Too Fast-Too Furious is still too fast and too furious, and will always be my hero.  The Diabolical Dr. Up, the real centerpiece of our stories has turned over a new leaf, and speaks English fluently.  We just call her "Pretty Miss Madison" these days.  I miss those Saturday Cliffhangers- I miss them a LOT!  The Diabolical Dr. Up LIVES!!!
     To make a hard right turn to a different topic, I'll ask the question, "Is it ever a good idea to throw up in someone's front yard, especially if you pull over in said front yard in the middle of nowhere slap-dab in the middle of the country?"  I say no.  Yesterday, on the trip to the Black and Blue Festival in Jemison, Alabama, my navigator made a crucial error and we were thrown off course.  One of the passengers in the vehicle (Shout out to LH) became nauseous in the vehicle and needed to, well....vomit, blow chunks, barf, hurl, spew, etc. etc.  Anyway, my lovely navigator told me to pull over "Right Now!"  I only saw someones front yard, and I didn't think it would be a good idea to just pull over "yack" in an unfamiliar yard, because after all we're not from around here.  I told her, "We're liable to get shot!  Folks don't take kindly to pulling over and puking in their front yard."  She went all ghetto on me and started shaking her head and wagging her finger saying, "They won't shoot me!  Just pull over!"  Reluctantly, I did just that, and unfortunately the poor sick fellow (Shout out to LH) had already let a little bit go in his "Jack's" cup.  Not a drop spilled by the way, but he then proceeded to finish the job in these folks' front yard.  I was anxious, and thought I was going to catch a .44 slug at any moment, but we did escape unscathed.  I told my ghetto navigator that we were just lucky this time.  We ended up making it to our destination, and comforted the stomach issues with fried pickles.
     Was there once a lost civilization called Atlantis?  Do Aliens Really Exist?  Who really Shot JFK?  Why would someone choose to watch Crap like "Jersey Shore" on television?"  All these are mysteries of the universe that do not have a definitive answer, but there is one mystery that I have delved into more than others:  "Why does my wife eat ice cream with a fork?"  I'm going to put on my best Dr. Phil hat here and analyze this.  It could be that she likes to dig for an answer or the truth in some cases, and that carries over to dairy dessert consumption.  Maybe it has more to do with texture and taste, and the spreading out of the ice cream for a better taste explosion.  This same method worked well for me with hamburgers, and my recently discovered "Smash" method.  Maybe she used a trident in a past life as a minion of Neptune or as a Gladiator on the Sands of the Arena.  Probably, the answer is a simple, "That's just the way she's always done it, and she's not one to quit on an ice cream delivery system because it's got a little age."  My next stop in this investigation, is to try this method myself for a week, and report back with my results.  My mind does funny things when left to its own devices, but it makes things interesting.
     That's my "Brady Pack" or can of mixed nuts, if you will.  They say that Variety is the spice of life, and I for one always listen to what "They" have to say-  I just wish I knew who "They" really were, and why "They" had all the answers.