Saturday, May 25, 2013

The Sounds of Madness

     There is a very thin line between sanity and madness, and by all accounts being in the presence of children constantly can increase one's chances of crossing that line. We all attempt to put forth a good example for our children, but every now and then the "Damn gets busted" so to speak, and the Loco Papa appears out of nowhere. I was trained to keep my wits about me during a stressful event, and for the most part I have been very successful at doing just that. The following are a few times that things got away from me a bit during my tenure as a Domestic God. 
     One summer a few years ago I had both children at home with me, because Jesse's school was on summer break and Maddie was not yet in pre-school. This particular day, my lovely children were particularly fascinated with cereal, and were keeping me hopping with requests for the tasty/sugary substance. We had plenty in the house, because I had recently had an adventure at Sam's Club and I came home with an industrial size box of various cereals. Just when I was about sick of cereal, Jesse yells to me, "There's someone sneaking up our front steps."  I looked toward our front door, and I saw a boy knock and then take off running. Without thinking I took out running after the culprit in "Hot Pursuit."  I chased the fellow throughout the neighborhood until he cut through a back yard, and then I realized that I had been giving chase with a box of cereal in my hand. I stopped and looked around, and all my neighbors were looking at me funny. There just so happened to be several of them out at the exact time that I decided to chase a teenage prankster while carrying a huge box of Fruit Loops. Fitting cereal choice I suppose, and the culprit escaped and I have been referred to as "Daddy Fruit Loop" from time to time in neighborhood lore. 
     There was another occasion when the totality of the circumstances threw me a huge curve ball. Maddie was still a baby, and Jesse was in Kindergarden and I had picked Jesse up at school while Maddie slept in her car-seat in the back. Upon arrival at home, I heard Jesse begin to scream out in obvious pain. The poor guy had slammed his finger in the car door. I frantically tried to free him from this horrible situation. I picked him up, and carried him upstairs to the bathroom. He was so freaked out that I sat with him on the bathroom floor with my legs crossed and him on my lap. We sat there long enough for my legs to get numb, and fall asleep. I was able to get to the phone to call my wife and update her on the recent events. One of her first questions to me was, "Where was Maddie when all this was going on?"  That's when the uh-oh moment came on, and I realized my lovely daughter was still in the car. Before you call me a horrible absent minded father, just know that Maddie is a wonderful sleeper and she slept through the whole thing. Whew!  Dodged a bullet on that one for sure!
     Finally, this wouldn't be an essay on Madness without the mention of the "Car Pool" line at the Elementary school. I like to call it the "Pick up-Line" (My favorite pick up line, Did it Hurt?  When you fell from Heaven.). But I digress, the car pool line at school has rules and I am a believer in following these rules. I am the King of the car pool line, and I don't mind saying that. When certain people attempt to bypass the system, ole Über Dad is not happy. I've seen some Mama's get awfully upset over a perceived "break" in the line. There have been times that I thought some of these altercations would come to blows, and it was oddly exhilarating. I've seen actual car accidents also, plenty of dead batteries, and all types of interesting people and occurrences.  It's a great place to people watch, and you get a real sense of what is all going on around the old schoolhouse. Just watch out for the Über Moms, they don't play in the car-pool line. 
     As you can see the "Sounds of Madness are everywhere" especially in the life of your average Über Dad.