Friday, May 24, 2013

Intro to the Uber Dad

     So here's the deal, I am an ex-cop with ten years on the street that up and left my position as Sergeant to take care of my kids full-time. I figured that having dealt with the worst of society that taking care of kids would be a breeze. Well, I was terribly mistaken and just plain wrong. I like to tell people that putting folks in jail was easy, but taking care of kids all day is a REAL job. I have two children, Jesse my ten year old son and Maddie my darling little 4 year old girl.  My wife is a wonderful woman who agreed to support this madness. She's got letters after her name (I always say Mama would've been proud to know her boy went and married a Doctor, PhD to be specific) and she makes a good living. To give the reader an idea what to expect with this blog, I'm going to tell three stories from different points in my journey with this life. I hope you enjoy!
     I grew up in a small town in Central Alabama and I worked with my father at the city park during the summers while I was in high school. There were plenty of interesting occurrences while working at the park. From falling asleep on a riding lawnmower and running over a fence to being chased by yellow jackets and having to jump into the creek to avoid being attacked. It was pretty tough working for my father, he was a tough man who knew a lot about everything and had served in the Navy during the end of World War II and The Korean War. When I had an occasion to work for him he had already retired from US Steel after 30 years and was now working for the city. I was pretty much a rebellious teenager who liked to drink beer, play football, and chase girls. This was during the 80s so I was rocking the mullet and listening to all the hair bands that were popular back then. Quite a culture shock between my father and I. One day a tractor broke down on one of the baseball fields and I was sent by my father to retrieve some type of tool. Now, I was not the most mechanically inclined fellow in the world so I really had no idea what the tool was supposed to look like. I figured that I could wing it, and maybe get lucky and bring back the right tool. There was no way I was going to let on to my father know that I was clueless about the tool. Upon arrival at the shed that housed all the tools it became apparent that this was a hopeless venture. I was immediately overwhelmed with the total amount of tools present. I figured I had two choices either pick the wrong tool and get yelled at or stay put right where I stood and wait it out. I chose the latter and made myself at home in the ole tool shed. My father, whose name was Frank, was working with the famous city handyman Elmo on the field at the time. After quite a bit of time had passed, my father began to wonder where I had went to, and finally Elmo said, "Frank, I don't believe that boy is coming back."  I didn't return, but my defiance caused issues for me later on, and I had to hide from my father in the City Pool for a while. 
     The Über Dad's guide to survival at the Wal-Mart part 1:  Wal-Mart is similar to the seventh circle of Hell as described by Dante, and if not approached correctly bad things are going to happen. A few tips to maximize survival:  #1). Formulate a plan and stick to it. Many a good man has fallen when entering the Wal-Mart unprepared. #2). Go early. Weekday mornings between 6-8 am provide the best chance for a positive outcome. Under no circumstances should an attempt be made to go at night. Friday and Saturday nights are a Freak Show, and like the song says, "The Freaks come out at Night."  3). Leave the kids at home. The evil product placement people have set a trap for the Über Dad with children in tow. 4). Give yourself extra time. You will encounter someone you know, and they will want to discuss your touchdown run against Pleasant Grove in 1989. Time management is essential. 5). Wal-Mart is also the home of those people you've known for 20-30 years, but now all of a sudden (as if possessed by an evil Wal-Mart demon) now act like they've never met you and ignore your very existence. You should approach and talk loudly to these people. The plan would be to make them so uncomfortable that the demon will be exorcised. This ends part one, but hang in there we're all in this together!
      There are moments in the life of a parent that bring a flood of emotions to the surface. This morning was one of those times. While the family was eating breakfast, my sole male heir, Jesse turns to me and says, "Bacon is a man's candy."  This young man makes me so proud. Well said son. Well said. However, after this breakfast love fest, I took the young man to get his hair did at a local salon. Upon arrival the lady at the front desk greeted us and we sat down to await the hair cutting specialist. The lady told the hairdresser, "There's a cute young man here to get his hair cut!"  I immediately responded, "No, I don't need a haircut we're here for my son."  She wasn't talking about me. Another day in the life of the Über Dad. 
    As you can see I like to tell stories, and everything I write about is true and actually happened to me.  I will write a lot about life with my kids, throw in some personal stories from my youth growing up in Alabama, and even weave a police story or two.  I like to write about fun and true events, and hopefully there will be some humor too.  This is only a blog, please don't try this at home.